It was supposed to end tomorrow.
Yeah, it’s not ending tomorrow.
The heat wave is over, and the temperature has returned to what it normally is for this time of year. There’s actually a little chill in the mornings now, where you can tell that fall’s right around the corner, and that’s so nice to know after the weeks of really high temperatures. I normally look forward to autumn, but after all this, it’s an even greater longing.
But what my body seems to have taken away from this heat wave is:
~ Sleep is the enemy
~ Stress stemming from guilt is your constant companion
~ Feedback loops are fun
I can’t sleep past a certain point in the day, which is roughly when I’d wake up from the heat being too intense to keep sleeping through. Which might not be so bad if just going to bed earlier helped, but my body seems to have gotten in the habit of no matter what, only sleeping for 4-5 hours a day. I may or may not be able to nap later, so I’m kind of living in this exhausted haze.
Why can’t I nap? It’s even odds as to whether I’ll feel guilty because I’ve let the housework slide while it was too hot to move, and then worry that the landlord is going to want to come over the next day for whatever reason, which will have to result in a massive cleaning frenzy by myself while my roommate is at work, which will be hard and further exhausting. And before anyone points out that I’m borrowing trouble because that hasn’t happened yet (*touch wood*), well, welcome to chronic anxiety. Borrowing trouble and running scenarios over and over in my head is part of that package.
The other reason? Oh, that would be the chronic pain. Restless legs syndrome is no fun either, and I swear, “restless legs” gives the wrong impression of what that’s like for me. It sounds like something that can be fixed by taking a brisk walk. What it feels like is deep muscular pain that feels like it might go away is only my joints would bend in the other direction. It’s only relieved by pressure, like lying on my front, or at its worst, doing that and having someone sit on the back of my legs for a while. It gets worse with dehydration and fatigue, and keeps me awake when I try to sleep, making that fatigue thing all the worse.
Add to that the fact that I had that pain almost this badly when the now-removed tumour was ruining my life, along with bad heartburn which I also seem to have these days for whatever reason (likely stress), and it results in worry that the tumour has come back. Which is unlikely because I’m not showing any other symptoms, and those 2 things were side-effects of the tumour being so large and cause bad anemia, so I know, logically, that’s not what’s going on. But trauma will do that to you, make you flash back and relive that trauma even when small things remind you of it.
So between something I hesitate to call PTSD — but it probably is a mild form of it anyway — and the general lack of sleep and near-constant pain, yeah, I’m in no condition to add another responsibility back to my roster right now.
So I’m continuing the hiatus through September.
This isn’t all bad. Aside from hopefully giving me another 4 weeks to get general life stuff back in order and remember what actual restful sleep is, I do have a few projects I’ve been sitting on that I want to get underway, and this will give me time to do them without fretting that I still have to do a load of reading and reviewing on top of it all. I want to use some of the time off to set up a bit of a stockpile of reviews and other elements of those SUPER SEKRIT PROJECTS so that I have a bit of a cushion under me for the future.
So I apologize to those whose books are being released this coming month; I won’t be posting an advance review. I will be posting reviews eventually, but sometimes post-hype reviews don’t have a great effect, so I apologize about that. And I’m sorry to the group I was reading Max Gladstone’s books with; I’ll have to sit Last First Snow out.
I probably could just power through and start blogging consistently again. For a while. But I know I’m riding the edge of burnout at the moment, and so I’d rather take a break so that I can come back strong than to push through stuff and half-ass it and probably burn myself out more in the long run. I’d rather step back so that I can provide better content in the future.
So maybe don’t look at this like a hiatus. Maybe look at it like my blog is closing down temporarily for renovations, and when I come back, things will be better than ever!
Thanks for your patience and understanding, people, and I’ll be back in a month.